I hereby solemnly swear blind obedience to Lord Lucifer, as his servant, to do his bidding to further his Kingdom of Darkness, by upholding these sacred Thirteen Principles:
(1) I vow to confess Christ always, for there is no other name given under heaven by which Christians may be deceived - as it is written, "Many shall come in my name and deceive many."
(2) I vow to be loved and respected by all, offending no one, claiming to hold the office of ruler, anointed to lead. To this end I will develop charismatic gifts of oration, memory, mendicancy and mystery. I will allege power to know, infallibly, the answer to Bible questions, including the utterances of the voices of the seven thunders, the day and hour of Christ's return, and the goings-on in the Third Heaven; Also, I will allege power to bestow wealth on those with sufficient faith or tithes; or power to hold a heavy, large-type, leather-bound King James study Bible in outstretched hand for hours, without breaking into a sweat; or power to never lust after a pepperoni pizza on the Sabbath; or power to see a sacred holy relic in a chicken bone; or power to change bread into God - as it is written, "for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie, that they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness."
(3) I vow to misdirect the many away from identifying the true Antichrist in our midst, whose seat is the Vatican, Rome, by teaching he has already come and gone, or that he is yet to come, until a 'secret' Rapture escape of the Church occurs - for it is written, "they that dwell on the earth shall wonder, whose names were not written in the book of life."
(4) I vow to unashamedly, and with great zeal, lead the many into spiritual fornication with the harlot Church of Rome, her whoring daughters, including her head, the papal Antichrist - for it is written, "broad is the way that leads to destruction, and many there be who enter therein."
(5) I vow to preach the love of God for all His precious creatures, both vessels of wrath and vessels of mercy, ingeniously twisting Scripture to give the many a false sense of peace and safety - for it is written, "when they shall say, 'Peace and safety,' then sudden destruction shall come upon them."
(6) I vow that when, through itching ears, I sow doctrines of devils, becoming the darling of the Christian community, garnishing honor, praise and the worship of men, I will feign humility, godliness and a humble spirit - for it is written, "And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light."
(7) I vow that though I appear moral, righteous and above reproach, I will use cunning, as does the fox, to separate the congregations from their cash, using crocodile tears and repetitious pleas with great fervor, appealing to their emotions, guilt and greed, if need be. To that end I vow to implement the OT curse of the Tithe - for it is written, "as many as are of the works of the law are under the curse of the law."
(8) I vow to feel no shame in claiming my fair share of the wealth I generate through tithes and offerings, using whatever underhanded means are at my disposal to gather the harvest of gold, silver and corruptible things; including pledge drives, crusades, false miracles, false promises, speaking engagements, television, internet, radio, as well as mailings addressed, "Dear Beloved Brother or Sister in Christ," because the ends always justifies the means, and much cash is needed to perpetuate our deception, as it is needed to live the lifestyle worthy of ministers of unrighteousness - for so it is written, "the love of money is the root of all evil."
(9) I vow to lead the many into perdition by preaching a false Gospel which conditions salvation upon man’s free-will decision for Christ, thereby slandering the grace of God, while robbing Him of His glory and rightful honor - for it is written, "accursed are those who preach and believe another Gospel."
(10) I vow to lead the many into perdition by preaching a false Savior, a Jesus who fails to save those He wills to save, though we allege He shed His sinless blood for every creature, albeit in vain - for it is written, "there shall be false teachers who privily shall bring in damnable heresies, even denying the efficacy of the redemption of Christ, bringing upon themselves and their disciples swift destruction."
(11) I vow to call Calvin a mad man, a murderer and an instrument of the Devil at every opportunity, while reserving the status of sainthood for our dear departed demon, Servetus - for it is written, "the accuser of the true saints is cast down, blaspheming those who dwell in heaven."
(12) I vow to perform the satanic miracle of speaking out of both sides of my mouth, claiming to be anti-Rome, though in preaching and practice I demean, ridicule and subvert the Reformation, the Reformers and their beliefs - for it is written, "if it were possible, the false Christs and false prophets shall deceive the very elect," and few have ears to hear the truth.
(13) I vow to embrace and sow, with sacred subtlety, the teachings of Trent and Arminius, though I claim to be orthodox in the faith, a follower of Scripture alone, neither a Papist, a Calvinist or Arminian - "for while men slept his enemy came, sowing tares among the wheat."
All these things I do vow, swear and promise, so help me Satan. In the name of the Dragon, the Beast and the false prophet. Amen.
Ye hypocrites, well did Esaias prophesy of you, saying, this people drawth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoreth me with
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